please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
