you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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