I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
