I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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