I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
