theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
