eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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