We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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