nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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