dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
