Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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