My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize