If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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