this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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