Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
