So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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