My sheets look like a crime scene.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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