Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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