I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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