There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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