I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
