Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
