I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
