How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
