i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
