Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
