i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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