You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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