dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
