we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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