I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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