dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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