My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
