I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
