Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
two words...techno handjob
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
