He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
