I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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