My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
