glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
