last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
