remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
