Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
