I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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