Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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