I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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