I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
