we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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