Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
