Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
