Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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