I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
