i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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