My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
