I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
