3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
