I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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