i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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