my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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