The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
